#51 Friends

I recently joined an international women’s club. It’s something I could have done years before, but I always thought I had no time to be as social as these women I’ve met seem to be. It might be that I was overwhelmed, stressed, and all over the place, trying to conquer the Corporate world and kick ass as a mother, but the years passed, and I’ve realized that, no matter how busy I was, I should have tried this long ago.

I left Spain twenty-five years ago, and I’ve always missed my friends. Despite making new ones in Portugal (whom I miss now too) and The Netherlands, it always seemed to me that the people I’ve met over the years have become part of a big puzzle. None of them is everything to me, and each brings something different to my life. I have the happy ones, the brainiacs, the weird and funny, those who surprise me, and many who don’t. All of them matter, but they don’t make me forget the things and people I once took for granted.

Making friends as an adult is not easy. We don’t play outside anymore, and we have many things we try to hide, no matter how much we say we don’t. We don’t arrive at school to pick up our kids and easily find someone we can trust with our secrets. Most of the time, we talk for no more than five minutes about the weather, the gym bag we forgot to give the kid in the morning, or the birthday present we still have to buy. Superficial and harmless stuff to fill the waiting times- that’s what it is… until it isn’t anymore. A few months ago, one of the mums organized a brunch, and six more joined her. The seven of us, each from a different country, talked about how we arrived here, who we were before we even thought about kids and husbands, and how we felt about the current phase of our lives. It is surprising to see that, no matter what we did to get here, who raised us, or who we had to fight, we have an awful lot in common.

You might think you’re very different from that person in front of you in the queue of the supermarket, but as a boss of mine used to say, we all put on trousers in the same way… In my case, I’ve realized that managing million-dollar projects will never earn me extra points with my kids, and that struggling to crush the glass ceiling doesn’t impress them at all—or their teachers —when I find it impossible to schedule a meeting at school. We all—people—care for someone; most of us have someone who loves us, and not every day is perfect. So, if we all have so much in common, why is it so difficult sometimes to find someone who understands me?

I’ve reached a simple conclusion: I didn’t let them.

I always kept myself so busy that I left no space for the things that truly nourished my body and soul. I did what I did because that’s what I was expected to do since the beginning. I lost myself in most of my duties and pushed away many of the little pleasures. I took care of the kids’ playdates, but not myself, until now.

Yesterday I joined a dance workshop, one without a fixed partner, just for the fun of it… and how fun it was, to giggle, to feel discomfortable, to see others like me. Young and not-so-young people moving at the same rhythm, no matter where we were before it.

I liked it… the fun. Again.

I’ve been talking about this lately with other people, with other women my age, and it’s been clear I’m not the only one going through this, so now I ask you: wherever you are, whatever was the path that took you where you are… are you having fun?